Is This Right?

Someone clearly slept through their physics class and woke up with a PhD in creative mathematics. The actual method for calculating lightning distance is hilariously simple: count the seconds between the flash and thunder, then divide by 5 to get miles (or by 3 for kilometers). But sure, let's just multiply by 5 billion instead—because why would you want an answer that makes any sense when you could have FIVE BILLION MILES? That would put the lightning somewhere past Jupiter. At that point, you're not measuring a thunderstorm, you're tracking Zeus having a bad day in the outer solar system.

The confidence in delivering completely nonsensical information is what really sells this. It's the academic equivalent of asserting that 2+2=potato with a straight face. This is why you should never ask your friend who "totally knows science stuff" for help with your homework.