The ultimate physics showdown! When confronted by skeptical soldiers, our desperate physicist friend resorts to the only defense mechanism known to theoretical physicists - reciting idealized conditions that only exist in textbook problems. It's the equivalent of saying "I can totally do a backflip, but only in a vacuum, with zero gravity, and if my body were a perfect sphere." Those first-year physics problems with their "frictionless surfaces" and "massless ropes" are basically just fairy tales we tell undergrads before crushing their souls with real-world complications. Next time you're in a tight spot, just yell "ASSUME A SPHERICAL COW!" and run away while everyone's confused.